Sometimes I wonder why I even try.  I get pushed away for someone else and I feel so alone.  It shouldn't be any different than it has been for years, but one can hope.  I feel like I am just in the way and someone to be tolerated. That is no way to feel, is it?  Is it all me?  It has to be.  But then how can I have these feelings if they aren't real?  Maybe I am reading too much into it.

Sometimes I just want to pull someones hair out and push them out of the picture, but I know that is childish and is just my own insecurities coming to the surface.  I think it is my insecurities from my childhood, feeling like I wasn't good enough.  I still feel like I am not good enough.  How do I change these feelings?  Why should I care?  I should live my life and forget this crap, but it is hard to when you just want to be accepted and loved for who you are.  I feel like people are ashamed of me.  I can only be who I am, it has taken me a long time to figure this out and sometimes I don't even think I have it figured out.  I feel like a fake, that I am being who everyone else wants me to be and not who I really am.  But then in my 44th year, I really don't know who I am any more, but then I don't think I ever knew who I am.

I know God knows who I am.  Does he like what he sees?  Does he love me?  Does he accept me?  Is he ashamed of me?  Does he just tolerate me?

More questions to ponder......

Another Day

Just another day.....

Tired as usual.  I love my boys.  They are adorable and sweet.  Adam wants markers right now to draw (probably the walls!  LOL) but he will have to just use crayons.  Jaymin is in his swing looking at me.  He is smiling more and babbling.  I just love this stage!  I look forward to seeing more of his personality, but also I am in no hurry for him to grow up!!  I can't believe Adam is already 3 years old and such a smart little guy!

Good night to just another day.....1 hour and 15 minutes before I can relax....hopefully!

New to Blogging

I am new to blogging.  But here I go....

Tonight is Thursday night and kids are asleep for now.

I picked the name Mommy of Mystery because, 1. I am a mommy and 2.  I am a mystery to myself.  I am trying to figure out who I am besides a wife and mother.  I think this will take a lifetime to really figure out, but if I can at least get some kind of clue, I think it would make my life a little easier.

Well, that is all for now.

Good night.