Sometimes I wonder why I even try.  I get pushed away for someone else and I feel so alone.  It shouldn't be any different than it has been for years, but one can hope.  I feel like I am just in the way and someone to be tolerated. That is no way to feel, is it?  Is it all me?  It has to be.  But then how can I have these feelings if they aren't real?  Maybe I am reading too much into it.

Sometimes I just want to pull someones hair out and push them out of the picture, but I know that is childish and is just my own insecurities coming to the surface.  I think it is my insecurities from my childhood, feeling like I wasn't good enough.  I still feel like I am not good enough.  How do I change these feelings?  Why should I care?  I should live my life and forget this crap, but it is hard to when you just want to be accepted and loved for who you are.  I feel like people are ashamed of me.  I can only be who I am, it has taken me a long time to figure this out and sometimes I don't even think I have it figured out.  I feel like a fake, that I am being who everyone else wants me to be and not who I really am.  But then in my 44th year, I really don't know who I am any more, but then I don't think I ever knew who I am.

I know God knows who I am.  Does he like what he sees?  Does he love me?  Does he accept me?  Is he ashamed of me?  Does he just tolerate me?

More questions to ponder......